


Like Getting Hit by a Train

by iforgetlikeanelephant



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Pining, mentions of possible BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-18
Updated: 2012-07-18
Packaged: 2017-11-10 06:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iforgetlikeanelephant/pseuds/iforgetlikeanelephant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn tries to hide how he feels about Niall, and it works (mostly), until Niall finds a book that he maybe shouldn't have opened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Getting Hit by a Train

Zayn just _can't stop_ touching Niall. He doesn't know what it is about the blond, he's never exactly had a problem _not_ touching his mates before, but Niall is _different_. Before, Niall was like an adorable puppy, all big blue eyes, floppy hair, and boundless energy, but now, _now_? Niall is this...fit bloke that Zayn spends eighteen hours a day with, is one of his best mates, and yes, okay, Zayn might be a bit in love with the Irish boy ( _but to be honest he's a little in love with every one in the band, he's not a slut, he just falls in love at a smile or a kind word_ ). 

It's not like he woke up one day suddenly hit with the urge to ravish Niall, just push him up against a wall and make him take what Zayn wants to give him, and it certainly wasn't as immediate as _HarryandLouis_ and their crazy whirlwind romance. It was gradual, a slow build up of Niall's smile and exuberance and kindness slowly breaking down Zayn's walls and then building them up again, pieces and memories of Niall becoming trapped behind them, stuck in his heart and head. It's a slow burn, a burn that maybe he was able to ignore at first but then something drew attention to it and suddenly that's all he can notice, notice that he's staring too hard at Niall's smile or his hands and he has to close his eyes for a moment just to recenter himself. 

If he were just a bloke at Uni or something, maybe still living at home, having to step back and focus on himself for a minute wouldn't be too bad. But he's not, he's one-fifth of a world famous boy band that have paparazzi and fans behind and around them at every turn and interviewers in front of them so when he tries to close his eyes, just to escape Niall's smile for a second, he's hounded with questions about his health and sleeping habits and things that shouldn't interest anyone other than his mother but for some reason the fans want to know everything. It's worth it though, _of course_ it's worth it, he's living his dream with four guys that sure, maybe if they hadn't been thrown for a loop and grouped up, he might never have befriended, but all that matters is that he _did_ and now they're his best friends. So yes, he's so happy with where his life is, he loves the fans and the guys, but he doesn't like people, strangers, thinking that they're entitled to his secrets, that he can't _close his eyes_ without some overly done up journalist wanting to fucking tuck him into bed or something because he's _sick_. 

The thing is, he _is_ sick, he's so sick, thinking the things he does about Niall while the naïve Irishman is tucked quietly in his bunk, having no idea the effect he has on the other male. Zayn doesn't just want to hold his hand and kiss him, he wants to wreck him, wants to watch as Niall's eyes slide in and out of focus because the _painpleasurepain_ is just this side of too much. Zayn has a loop of thoughts that keep him up at night, snippets of visuals that he imagines ( _Niall on his knees, hands tied and eyes begging for everything, aching and moaning around a gag, legs spread and rock hard_ ) as he tries not to arch into his hands and he hates himself when he sees Niall's disheveled hair and tired eyes the next morning, feeling at fault even though he did nothing wrong. 

They're a touchy bunch of blokes, there are at least two puppy piles a week when they're on tour and they're living in each other's pockets constantly, which is why when he first starts touching Niall, he doesn't even really _notice_ that it's maybe more than he touches the others. He just knows that after a particularly rough night of half twisted dreams he has to wrap an arm around Niall and tug him close, has to reassure himself that he could never hurt the blond like he does in his mind. And that works for a few weeks, siting next to Niall while they drink their tea, still trying to wake up, Zayn's arm draped casually over Niall's shoulders helps Zayn ease out of the dark mind set of his fantasies. 

It doesn't help with the gnawing _guilt_ that he feels though, sitting in the pit of his stomach and making him nauseous after the particularly explicit nights, where the next day he almost can't stand to be in the same _room_ as Niall. Those days are the worst, his head hurts and his hands ache from keeping them clinched into fists because if he doesn't he feels like he might just grab Niall and _shove._ He tries to ignore the looks Liam and Harry throw his way when he takes his tea to his bunk on those mornings, but it's hard, knowing what's going on in his head and just needing to try and sort his own brain out before chatting with the rest of the guys and pretending he's normal because he's _not_. He's _not_ normal, because thinking about making one of his best mates _bleed_ is about as far away from 'normal' as he can get. 

He doesn't...he's not homophobic and it's not the fact that Niall's a _male_ , okay, he's fine that Niall has a penis, in fact, that's pretty much the only part that Zayn's okay with in the whole situation. Sex with guys is not exactly new to him, he's been on both the giving and receiving ends of it and can genuinely say that he enjoyed almost every second of it, it's the fact that he wants to watch Niall scream that scares him. The fact that he wants to wrap his fingers around Niall's pale neck and squeeze, cutting off his air as he ruts against him, only bothering to let go when Niall's nails dig into his wrist, absolutely terrifies him. 

Those thoughts aren't exactly new, he's thought about ruining the people that he's wanted before, but that's mostly why he sticks to one night stands, he doesn't get too attached and so he doesn't need to hurt them because it's all still new and exciting. And if he does get a bit too rough? Well, most people don't really mind as long as it's a one off and they never have to see him again. 

His first girlfriend was amazing and so _understanding_ when it came to sex though, she'd let him get a bit rough, bite marks in hidden spots and bruises that she could just cover up with a bit of makeup, and she almost seemed to enjoy it was the thing, she never complained. It didn't work out though, of course it didn't, and she broke up with him a few months before he auditioned for The X Factor, said they were just _too different_ and she just didn't _want him_ anymore (Zayn's pretty sure that she had started to notice that he was different, _meaner_ , than she first expected, that he wanted more bruises than she was willing to carry). 

His first _boyfriend_ , well, he was before The X Factor and kind of overlapped a bit to be honest, but he was the only one that Zayn actually felt comfortable enough with to share his secrets with, to let know that he wanted to pin him down and fuck him until he cried, and even then he'd still want more. He helped Zayn, told him all about S&M and showed him different websites and books, helped him meet up with other people that were _like him_ (and God, Zayn has never felt as normal as he did when he walked into the one dungeon in his boyfriend's small town, saw the chains, and felt a shiver of anticipation so strong he almost bruised his boyfriend's wrist he was gripping it so tightly). The reason they ended things? The distance (and the fact that all of the boys may or may not have had to sign a morality agreement along with their contracts that danced around the fact that they couldn't _actually_ come out and Zayn is not one to hide if he's in a relationship) they parted on great terms and Zayn considers him one of his best friends. 

After the particularly bad nights, nights where he can barely look at himself in a mirror, Zayn will sneak into the back lounge of the bus and curl up, phone pressed to his ear, as his ex boyfriend's voice rings through the small speaker, telling him that he's _normal, so fucking normal Z, God, you should see some of the weirdos that come to play at The Dungeon_ and that _Niall would be lucky to be with you, you're an amazing boyfriend_ which normally Zayn would grumble and deny but at the wee hours of the morning, when he's shaking so hard his teeth are chattering, he can do nothing but sigh into the phone and tell him that he misses him. 

Zayn's pretty good at hiding his down days from the rest of the boys, not that it's that difficult with Liam attached to his phone and Harry and Louis being, well, _HarryandLouis_ and seemingly ignoring the outside world, the only one of them that notices anything wrong with him is the one lad that he's trying to avoid having to explain things to, the blonde with the big blue eyes and the infectious laugh. On his bad days, the days that even talking to his ex doesn't do anything to clear up his shame, Zayn tends to bundle up in the front lounge, a movie playing on the television while he pays vague attention to the boys around him. When his bad days first started up, Louis and Harry would be the first ones to try and cheer him up, jumping around him and acting like idiots in an attempt to get Zayn to smile, when that didn't work, Liam would come in and sit with him, watching whatever was playing on the television and wait for Zayn to speak once he kicked Harry and Louis out. Niall would come in later, with a platter of food, after the movie was done and sit next to Zayn, nudging him with a pointy elbow to get him to eat something while Liam made a vague gesture with his phone, pointing toward the bunk room with a grin (obviously on his way to call Dani). Now though, the only part that really happens is the Niall bringing him food part because for one thing Harry and Louis have become _HarryandLouis_ so they're holed up in the back lounge, getting as much quiet together time as they can, and Liam has learned that it's better to just let Zayn stew in it, that he'll come find him when he needs to talk about whatever it is that's bothering him. Niall though, he still brings in a tray of snacks, sits next to Zayn and lets him lean against him while they eat, all mumbled thanks and little conversation. 

Half way through the American tour it's like something clicks in Zayn's brain and he's suddenly _okay_ with everything, it's not like he's _great_ with what's going on in his head, but the conversations with his ex have started to get longer and more in-depth and Zayn's beginning to realize that he's _not unique at all_ which is one of the best things he's realized in a while (because really, he doesn't want to be any more unique than he already is). He actually starts to read the books that his ex recommends instead of just jotting down the titles and then forgetting about them the next minute, tucking the books under his mattress and in-between his jumpers buried at the bottom of his suitcases. All in all he's feeling better about everything, yes he still has explicit dreams about Niall ( _on his hands and knees, begging for something that only Zayn can give him, crying as he cums against the bedsheets_ ) but he's grown to accept them, he knows that they're all a part of life and that knowing what he wants isn't something that he should be ashamed of, it's something that he should embrace. 

And he tries to embrace it, he really does, he pulls in a few of the clubs that they go to after their shows (even though he and the boys are under age they're still able to go in, they just have to be so very careful about who spots them), only men, and practices a few of the simpler things that he's read about in his newly read through books (spanking and orgasm denial, multiple orgasms and aftercare) it's all things that he's been dying to try. That works for a while, sneaking men into his room and then kissing them hard as they're leaving, smart enough to ask them not to sell their story and uninterested enough to not ask for their numbers, curling up on the hotel bed afterward with a smile and falling into some of the best sleep he's ever gotten on tour. 

Of course, as soon as everything seems to be going well for him is when the shit hits the fan. Zayn was outside of the bus for a few minutes, smoking while the driver stretched his legs, and when he walks back to the bunk area to finish the book he was reading he finds Niall curled up in _his_ bunk reading _his_ book, bottom lip firmly between his teeth. “What....what're you doing?” Zayn questions, blood draining from his face and hands shaking from panic. 

Niall looks up, eyes wide and breathing shallow as he stutters out, “I was—I just—was bored, and you were outside so I was just going to wait for you here to get back and maybe ask if you wanted to watch a movie or something but I saw that you had a book open and I—what _is_ this?” 

“That,” Zayn chokes out, hand curling into a fist around his bunk's curtain, “That's _private_ , Niall, you can't just _do_ that! You can't just pick up someone's _book_ , Niall.” Zayn reaches out the hand that's not curled in his curtain and snatches the book from the blond's hands, glancing at the page to remember the number before closing it and holding it against his chest. “It's _private_ ,” he mumbles again, head bowing and sagging against the side of his bunk before giving up standing as a lost cause and sinking to the floor, sitting with his back against his bunk, shoulder brushing Niall's leg. 

Niall reaches out and hesitantly touches Zayn's hair, smiling a bit when Zayn does nothing but push up into his hand, and speaks quietly, “You know that kind of thing is dangerous, right? You can't just...you have to be careful when you're into those types of things, can't hook up with randoms. Just, tell me that you're being safe, that you're not...that you have your safeword and you know when to use it and you're not just letting yourself be pushed around.”

Zayn chokes on a laugh because Niall just doesn't get it, he thinks Zayn is the sub and that's hilarious, “I'm not— _Niall_ , I'm not the sub, I'm not going to let myself be pushed around, okay? I'm safe, I have condoms and lube and yes, I even have a safeword even though I'm never the one in danger of safewording.” Zayn tilts his head to look at Niall as he says, “I'm the _reason_ that they safeword, Ni, never the one that cracks first.”

Niall blinks, his head tilting slightly to the side as he lets his eyes roam Zayn's face, “What d'you mean? You're saying _you're_ the Dom? Really?”

“Is it really that hard to believe?” Zayn asks, twisting so that he's kneeling between Niall's legs, hands resting on his knees lightly, “You don't think I could handle some sub, begging on their hands and knees for what I want to give them?”

“Well,” Niall starts, tongue flicking out to wet his bottom lip, “It's not that I don't think you could _handle_ a sub, it's that...well, you're too _nice_. You don't even like to tell Louis to piss off and I'm supposed to just accept the fact that you're a Dom? That's not really believable, mate.” His eyes widen slightly when he feels Zayn's grip on his knees tighten.

Zayn feels like his heart is going to beat right out of his chest, his eyes caught on Niall's spit slick lips as he responds, his voice a step or two lower than normal, “Niall, I'm really not nice at all when it comes to sex; just ask my ex boyfriend, he always said I was the best Dom he'd ever had.” 

“Ex--” Niall pauses, clearing his throat to try again, “Ex _boyfriend_? I didn't—we didn't know you were gay! You never said anything!” 

“'m not gay, that's why I never said I was; I'm bi, so yes, ex _boyfriend,_ ” Zayn smirks a bit, shifting on his knees so that his book is pushed under his bunk and out of the way of prying eyes as he makes a final decision. “Niall, I'm about to be really honest right now, so promise not to freak out and hit me or scream or something like that,” he continues once he's comfortable, lifting a hand to rest on Niall's shoulder, thumb pressing against his collar bone. 

Niall swallows, the wet sound loud in the relative quiet of the bunks, nodding as he whispers a nearly silent, “Okay,” to the brunette. 

Taking a deep breath, Zayn closes his eyes for a second to figure out where he wants to start (and to escape the blue eyes holding his gaze) before he nods to himself. “I fall in love twenty times a day at least,” Zayn starts, looking at his thumb where it rests on Niall's collar bone, “I fall in love with the runner that brings me tea, the interviewer that asks the right questions, Lou and Harry when they're being _LouisandHarry_ , Liam when he talks about Dani, the fans that scream my name, and the boys in the band after a show. With you...well, I fell in love with you and it was like getting hit by a train, I could hear the whistle and see the lights, but I didn't actually think I was going to get crushed until it was too late; one day last year I was in love with your eyes and the next day I was in love with _you_ , your hair and appetite and laugh and smile. I tried to—I didn't _want_ to fall in love with you, because I know how I am when I'm in love, but it happened and I couldn't, I can't, stop it. It was... _difficult_ , coming to terms with it all, I was having these _dreams_ that I couldn't control and I started beating myself up for them, which didn't help at all, and I had to talk to _someone._ My ex, we're really close, he's one of my best mates, he helped me realize what was going on in my head. I'm not—I _can't_ be, sorry for how I feel, but just...I thought you should know, since apparently my other secret isn't that well kept anymore.” Zayn taps his thumb once against Niall's collar before finally looking up into his face, looking into the clear blue eyes shining with shock. 

“Zayn,” Niall chokes out, a hand reaching up to grab at the darker boy's wrist, “I—I had no idea. You never, do the other boys know? I mean, was I just painfully oblivious? How did I _not know_?”

“That was kind of the point, mate, I didn't _want_ you to know what was going on in my messed up brain. But yeah, I think Liam and Harry probably figured it out, so you and Louis are really the only two that had no idea,” Zayn answers with a small smile as Niall blushes and looks down at his knees where Zayn still has a firm grip. 

“God, you know you're behind when even _Hazza_ knows what's going on,” Niall groans, letting his thumb rub circles over Zayn's pulse point. “I, uhm, I guess you're expecting some type of reaction, huh?” the blond questions lightly, looking up from his knees and biting his bottom lip while he catches Zayn's eye.

Zayn raises an eyebrow slowly and squeezes Niall's knee lightly, “Not _expecting_ one, but if you wanted to react that'd be great, yeah.”

“Right, uhh, here,” Niall mumbles, tugging at Zayn's hands until he gets the idea and climbs into the bunk with him. “Okay, I'm gonna just—I hope my mouth can keep up with my mind,” Niall laughs a bit, closing the bunk curtain so that Zayn and he are surrounded by shadows and bus noises, the droning of the tires on the road helping him relax. “Right, so,” Niall pauses and sucks in a breath when Zayn wraps a solid hand around his wrist and squeezes lightly, “I love pints, and singing, and footie, and my guitar, but I—I've never fallen in love, I just _love._ I don't...you _feel_ so much, and that, it scares me, Zayn. _You_ scare me. I can't say that I've never thought of you like that because, well, I'll be honest, you're a right fit bloke that I'm with more than I am on my own so _of course_ I've thought about you. And the fact that you've had dreams about me? That's _awesome,_ I mean, it's good to know that I'm not the only one wanking to the pictures that my mind makes up. But, I mean, your....the—the _book_? Yeah, it was...eye-opening to say the least. I don't...I've never done something like that before, not really, but I like you Zayn, I _really_ like you.” Niall twists his wrist slightly until Zayn's hand is held in his own, their fingers intwining in the relative privacy of the bunk. “I can't imagine you _not_ in my life, but I don't think that I want us to just be bandmates either,” the Irishman continues, nerves making his palm slick against the boy's sitting cross legged in front of him as he looks into his dark eyes, lashes framing them beautifully. 

Zayn smiles, wide and bright, before he brings their conjoined hands to his mouth, pressing his lips to the back of Niall's fingers. “Niall,” he breaths out, kissing his fingers again and again until Niall is giggling quietly, “I want you however you're willing to be had.” 

“Good, good,” Niall says, shoulders slumping as he lets out a shaky breath, “I want to—I want to be yours however you want me, so that works.” He looks up, biting his lip at the dark look in Zayn's eyes, and matches his grin.

“The lads are going to be insufferable, you realize?” Zayn questions lightly, dropping their still intwined hands to the bed between their folded legs.

“Nothing but sex jokes and hand gestures, of course,” Niall agrees squeezing Zayn's fingers, tilting his head slightly as he hears footsteps outside of the darkened bunk, followed by quiet murmurs. 

“Boys,” Louis' voice rings out, a rapid knock echoing on the side of Zayn's bunk, “We're just about pulling up to the venue!” The curtain flutters for a moment before Louis is tugging it open, light streaming into Niall's eyes and making him squint as Louis questions, “....wait, why're you lads both in here? What's going on? Are you _holding hands_?” Louis pushes the curtains open, completely exposing the two men to the light of the bunk room, just as Harry comes up behind him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

Harry's smile widens, dimples visible, as he takes in the two men in front of him. “About bloody time, mate,” he says, reaching out to push Zayn's shoulder lightly. “Was getting sick of your puppy dog face,” Harry continues, shifting and pulling Louis against his chest, resting his chin on the shorter man's shoulder as Lou tries to twist in his arms. 

“You... _what_? You knew about,” Louis pauses, wiggling his fingers at Zayn and Niall, “this?”

“Lou, I'm pretty sure you and Niall were the _only_ ones that didn't recognize Zayn's pining for our blond haired Irishman here. Li will be thrilled that he doesn't have to make sure Zayn doesn't go and drown himself in the shower just because Niall touched his shoulder or something while on stage,” Harry says slowly, grinning at the blush that blooms on Niall's cheeks as he glances at Zayn from the corner of his eye. 

Zayn bites off a growl, “ _Harry,_ don't you and Lou have somewhere else to be?” 

“Oh, but little Nialler's blush is just _dashing,_ wouldn't you say, Lou?” The younger man laughs, sticking his tongue out mockingly before leaning down and licking a stripe up the side of Louis' neck. “But fine, _fine,_ we're leaving now! We'll send Liam back to round you up when we actually make it to the venue, in about half an hour I suspect,” Harry continues, not giving Louis a chance to respond to his earlier question as he backs them both out of the bunk area with a cheeky wave to the two men seated in the now brightly lit bunk. 

“....Well then....” Niall laughs quietly, free hand raising to rub against the back of his neck embarrassedly, “That was awkward.” 

Zayn drops his eyes to their still intwined fingers as he responds, “'s true though, there were crisis and possibly attempted shower induced drownings while I was trying to deal with... _everything._ ”

“Not anymore,” Niall states emphatically, squeezing Zayn's hand in his tightly and scooting forward so that their knees are touching, “No more trying to drown yourself and no more crisis that Liam has to deal with. We can deal with it together.” Zayn looks from under his eyelashes at Niall and the smile that he gives him is brighter than the lights outside of the bunk, “God, I really want to kiss you now,” Niall chokes out, fingers reaching up to press against his own bottom lip. 

“Yeah?” Zayn questions, biting his lip with a smirk. He reaches up and knocks Niall's hand to the side, pressing his own fingers to the blond's bottom lip and sucking in a breath when Niall's tongue sneaks out to press against his fingertips. Niall nods, cheeks blooming with color as he meets Zayn's eye, lips parting as he feels the darker haired man's fingers drag slowly from his mouth to the back of his neck, dancing over his jaw. “You're in luck,” he whispers, shifting to his knees and leaning forward, pressing his forehead to Niall's, “Because I really want to kiss you too.” Niall whimpers and lets his eyes slip closed, the hand still being held tightening it's grip on the other man's hand, as Zayn finally lets their lips touch. 

“... _Zayn,_ ” Niall breaths out, voice catching as the other man pulls away, lips barely touching his own. 

Zayn hums, brushing his nose teasingly against Niall's, letting his breath fan over Niall's mouth, before he leans in again, pressing their lips together more firmly as Niall's free hand slides behind his neck, pulling him in even closer. Niall lets out a noise that, if questioned about, he would deny to the ends of the Earth, when he feels Zayn's tongue brush against his bottom lip. That small noise is enough to spur Zayn into action, hand finally untangling from the Irishman's to cup his shoulder, pushing him back toward his pillow, urging him to lie back in the confined space. “ _Down, down, lay down,_ ” Zayn mumbles, pulling away to trail his lips toward Niall's neck as the blond shivers, curving his neck toward the brunette and trying to uncross his legs while not moving away from Zayn's mouth. 

Successful, Niall spreads his legs and allows Zayn to settle between them, lacing his fingers behind Zayn's neck as he follows Zayn's mumbled order and lays down, arching his back to press their chests together. “Zayn,” Niall whines, fingers tight against the back of the other man's neck as Zayn flicks his tongue against the pale skin of Niall's throat, “ _Fuck_ , Zayn, we can't—no marks, God, please just....” Niall trails off, hips coming up off of the bunk to try and get a bit of friction. 

“...not enough time, there isn't enough time in the _world_ for me to do everything I want to do to you,” Zayn groans, biting down on the soft skin of Niall's earlobe and causing him to whimper as he licks over the abused flesh with his tongue. 

Zayn kisses his way back to the other man's mouth, Niall's lips parting as he flicks his tongue across the darker man's bottom lip before tugging gently with his teeth, “Hotel tonight,” the blond whispers, voice horse, “We can start there.”

“Uhm, lads? I hate to break up, uh, whatever's going on in there but we're at the venue, yeah, and we're a bit late so we best get in there and soundcheck,” Liam's voice rings out loudly, startling the two lying in the bunk enough that Niall's teeth clamp down rather harshly on Zayn's bottom lip, causing a startled yelp to come from the male on top of him. 

“ _Jesus,_ sorry, sorry, oh God, I'm so bloody sorry,” Niall gasps, embarrassed as Zayn collapses on top of him, laughing into the crook of his neck.

“Right, Li, we're just on our way out there then,” Zayn manages to get out between chuckles, rolling off of Niall and barely managing to squeeze between the blond male and the bunk wall, eyes closed and grinning.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how this story went from me wanting to write about Zayn tearing Niall apart, to me writing about feelings and emotions, but I'm still pretty proud of how it turned out.


End file.
